Not So Pretty Now
by leavinghope
Summary: Every decision has consequences, and not all endings are as happy as they seem.


***SPOILERS***ENDGAME SPOILERS***SPOILERS****

I never wanted to write this, because I loved Steve Rogers so much before the last five minutes of Endgame. This story is to help me, and maybe you, have an outlet for the anger.

Title from a Nine Inch Nails song by the same name:

_A great big superstar_  
_Is what you think you are_  
_We love you anyhow_  
_But you're not so pretty now_

Sam Wilson and Maria Hill approached the cabin by the lake for the first time since Tony Stark's funeral a month previous. Pepper Potts and her little girl Morgan had returned to New York City, to restart life closer to Stark Industries and support for the newly single mother. When she moved, she offered the home to Steve Rogers, a comfortable, secure, and isolated place to live out his final years in peace. Sam and Maria had acquiesced to Steve's desire to give him some space, but were ecstatic to receive an invitation to visit him.

Steve greeted them at the front door when he heard them drive up. Checked button-down shirt, khaki pants, serene expression… Steve looked every bit as happy, healthy, and relaxed as Sam had hoped. As he and Maria approached the porch, Sam was surprised not to see Bucky Barnes standing at Steve's side. He did not think Barnes would allow Steve out of his sight for long after that time travel stunt on top of losing time while in the Soul World.

"So good to see you." Steve's warm voice felt as much a hug as his arms when he embraced both Sam and Maria. He escorted the two into his living room, where they sat together on a comfortable couch as Steve went into his kitchen. They looked around the room. Shelves overflowed with books, and an easel with the beginning of a landscape painting rested in front of a large picture window, a table of brushes and paint tubes next to it.

"Looks so… retired." Maria's voice conveyed a level of discomfort which amused Sam.

"What else did you expect from Grandpa here?" He could not keep the laughter out of his voice.

"Well, he used to work out for six hours per day and stack spare punching bags in storage for fun, so…"

Steve came back into the room with a tray of cookies and lemonade. He placed them on the coffee table and distributed the snacks with a satisfied look on his face. Steve then settled into a comfy wingback chair. "Enjoy."

Sam and Maria both eyed the cookies with skepticism. Sam said, "These look suspiciously homemade."

"I finally had the time to learn how to cook. Food is now safe in my hands."

All laughed and chatted amiably about mundane things, like weather and politics. Eventually, Steve asked, "How is the team?"

Sam and Maria shared a glance, and then Sam said, "We're getting there. It's hard without you, Steve. Nat is gone, Tony is gone. Thor and Danvers are somewhere amongst the stars. Clint, like you, is out-of-action. Rhodey is holding down the fort in DC. And I'm a newbie at this. I'm more of a soldier than a leader."

"You've got good people around you. Lean on them."

"Oh, don't worry, he is." Maria teased Sam gently. "Seriously, though, Steve. We could use your guidance."

"No, I'm done. I left this behind long ago." Steve smiled wistfully. "Bucky was a good leader. The Howlies followed him as much as they did me. Take his advice."

Maria swept her gaze around her surroundings, something she could not keep herself from doing with regularity. "So, where is Barnes?"

"Excuse me?" Steve furrowed his brow, as if he didn't understand the question.

Sam laughed. "Barnes? The dude you just mentioned? I'm surprised he's left your side this afternoon. Considering how you said he used to worry about you as a kid, I bet he's all over your geriatric ass to take care of yourself."

Sam felt his smile fade as Steve looked even more confused.

"Sam, Bucky isn't here."

"What?" Maria tensed at Sam's side.

"I was hoping he'd arrive with you."

Sam and Maria exchanged nervous looks. Sam said, "Steve, I haven't seen Barnes since you came back from the past."

Maria added. "Nobody has had any contact from him."

Steve ran a hand through his grey hair. "He told me he would be with all of you at the Compound. Said he wanted to give me time to adjust, to reconcile all my memories before reintroducing all of you back into my life."

"Jesus, he told me to give you guys at least a month before reaching out, because you had so much catching up to do."

Steve spoke softly. "He said he would help you ease into the role of carrying the shield."

Sam sent off a group text, querying Bucky's location from various members of the team, including Bucky himself. "Dammit, he played us. He has a month's head start."

Maria stood up and began to efficiently give orders over the phone. "We need to keep this quiet, out of the media and off official channels. We've lost contact with Barnes. Light touch, use-of-force when necessary. All eyes on lookout for the Winter Soldier."

"Don't call him that."

Maria and Sam looked at a very angry Steve, who continued to speak furiously. "He's Bucky Barnes, not the Winter Soldier. I may not know where he is, but I know that."

"I'll be there ASAP." Maria ended her call and addressed Steve. "What else would you want us to do? Barnes is one of the best snipers in history, a legendary assassin, and he's subject to mind control. We can't just treat him like an ordinary missing person case. The agents need to know what they're up against, and that might be the Winter Soldier." Maria's tone was firm, even if her face was kind.

Steve said, "He doesn't deserve to be hunted down."

"I can't be one hundred percent sure of that." Maria looked at Sam. "Will you be able to get back to the compound on your own?"

"Yeah. Just leave my wings here."

"I'll keep you posted, Sam." Maria fixed Steve with a glare. "You stay put. I mean it. I'll know if you step one foot outside this house."

"Look…" but Steve was interrupted as Maria turned and left.

Sam gulped down more lemonade and cookies, realizing he might not have another chance to eat any time soon. The silence was broken when Steve said, "I just don't know why Buck would leave."

"Really, Steve? That's how you're going to play this."

Sam suddenly filled with an anger he didn't know was lingering below his surface. He'd been so proud to be asked to carry the Captain America mantle that he hadn't given thought to what Steve had done.

"You left him first. You left us."

Steve set his jaw in that stubborn line Sam had grown to know so well. "But I was only gone for ten seconds for you."

"And came back seventy years older. Steve, I know you felt like you were robbed of your past, and I sympathize. But you robbed Barnes and all of your friends of the possibility of those future decades with you."

"Buck knew what I was planning to do. He supported and encouraged my choice."

"Of course, he did. You have always been the most important person in his life. Do you think he would ever have tried to prevent you from pursuing your own happiness?"

Steve bowed his head.

"And maybe he didn't want to know what you spent your decades doing, hmm? Were you still Captain America? Did you defeat Hydra?" Once started, Sam couldn't stop. "Did you rally for civil rights? Argue to end the laws against miscegenation? Did you speak out for choice and LGBT rights?"

Sam felt his tears spill down his face. "Did you save him? Or did you leave him to be tortured and abused for years while you got everything you wanted?"

Sam hadn't realized he was yelling until Steve flinched. "Shit, Steve. I'm sorry. That was out of line."

Steve sat silently twisting the simple gold ring on his left hand, a symbol of the life he had lived in that ten second span. Sam wondered what history Steve had overwritten for the woman he went back in time to marry. Sam couldn't help but think about the fact Bucky did not have a flesh left hand to place a wedding band on.

"Look, no matter what you did in that timeline, Barnes lost you in this one. We all did. Those few seconds you were gone aren't equal to the time you lived without him, man, and how much time he'll miss with you once you pass on. And I have to admit, I wouldn't have turned down some training from Cap in his prime to help me take on this role." Sam shook his head, weary from the outburst of anger, but still needing to speak. "I know I said you could use a little more selfishness in your life. But not like this. I never expected this."

Shame battled with stubbornness on Steve's face, and Sam decided he wouldn't wait to see which emotion won. "I should start looking for Barnes. Any idea where he might be?"

"Wakanda."

Sam quickly looked down at the glowing text window on his phone. "His Majesty says Barnes is not in Wakanda, and neither he nor Princess Shuri have had contact from him since the funeral." Sam rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. "They'd contacted me last week, worried that they hadn't heard from him. And I told him he was with you. Without even double-checking. Jesus."

Steve sat with elbows on his knees, head in his hands, not even looking at Sam.

"Any other ideas about where he might be?"

"No. None. He felt safe in Wakanda. He said he could see himself living out his life there, if allowed."

"Well, now he's on his own, and if we don't find him soon, I really don't see a way of keeping law enforcement out of this." A thought occurred to Sam. "Do I dare hope a pardon was granted while we were in the Soul world?"

"Not that I'm aware of."

Sam sighed. "Damn. Well, I'm Captain America now, so I guess Bucky Barnes is my responsibility."

"Sam, you have to know, I never meant for any of this to happen."

"Seems to me if you had given a bit more thought to your decision, you should have known."

"But why would Bucky leave? You saw him. He was himself. He was healthy." Steve sounded completely befuddled. Or, more likely, oblivious.

Sam had his suspicions about Bucky and his reasons to leave. He had a feeling they were more complicated and sentimental than Steve had ever suspected. Bucky Barnes had remained by Steve's side in World War II, although he'd been offered the opportunity to ship home. He'd snapped himself out of decades of hell at the sound of Steve's voice. He'd worked hard at his recovery, on the run and in Wakanda, in ways that wouldn't hurt Steve. And he'd let Steve go, after finally getting him back. Sam had a feeling that Bucky had been in love with Steve for the better part of a century. A devoted, selfless love that had left him alone and in pain, no matter how happy he may have truly been for Steve.

Sam couldn't say any of that if Bucky hadn't, but there were other truths he could say.

"I can't claim to know how any of this quantum time travel shit works. All I know is that Barnes didn't miraculously develop a real left arm and good memories when you returned. So, maybe he's out in the world dealing with the fact his best friend lived a happy seventy years while he still has nightmares of every kill he was forced to make during that same time."

Sam knew the words stung, but he honestly couldn't bring himself to care right then. Barnes needed help, and he didn't even know it yet. The room was filled with the sound of Steve trying to control his breathing, but Sam didn't have the patience to soothe him. He stood up and made for the door. "Thanks for the cookies, Steve."

"He isn't the Winter Soldier anymore. He doesn't hurt people. He fought with us against Thanos because we asked, not because he misses the violence."

Sam opened the front door to grab his wings from where Maria had left them on the doorstep. "I don't believe Barnes is doing anything wrong. I think he's running away from you, and I understand that. But I have to bring him back before he gets hurt."

Steve didn't look up when he asked, "Will you let me know when you find him?"

Sam snapped his wings harness into place. "Only if I have his permission."

Steve looked up then, anguish in his eyes, as Sam walked out the door without another word.


End file.
